5 Tips for Surviving the Teen Years

5 Tips for Surviving the Teen Years

We have all heard parents complaining about their teenagers. Your 12-year-old was agreeable, happy and eager to please. Your 13-year-old is defiant, moody and seems set out to contradict every word you say. Here are five things to keep in mind when you are parenting a teen:

1. Let Go. It may sound crazy, but to the best of your ability, allow your teen to have more independence. Does she want to put green stripes in her hair? As long as school is okay with it, give her that freedom. Green hair will fade, and some day it will grow out. Your teen’s attempts at becoming an individual are very important. Finding out who he or she is, that’s the job of an adolescent. Additionally, when you can allow your teen some freedom to make choices, and to suffer the consequences of their decisions, it teaches them most enduring lessons. Life becomes your teen’s best teacher. On the other hand…
   
   
2. …Don’t Give in About the Big Stuff. If you think that your teen is using drugs or drinking alcohol, having sex, or feeling depressed or suicidal, you have to step in and take over. It’s one thing for your son to paint the walls of his room black, it’s another when he seems down and talks about suicide. Black walls may mean he’s into “emo” music. Talking about suicide must be taken seriously as a warning sign for things to come. He may be angry and say he hates you for having him evaluated by a mental health professional – but you might just be saving his life. If you think your teen is harming himself or herself in ways that are serious or permanent, call your primary health care provider or the local crisis hotline number. You must be the authority if you think your teen is in danger.
   
   
3. Set Clear Limits and Discuss Consequences. There are many issues between the minor and the serious that parents must address. What is the curfew and what is the punishment for not coming in on time? Your son text messaged his girlfriend to the tune of $250 last month, so who pays the bill?
   
   
   • For situations that you might be able to anticipate, like curfew violations, sit down with your teen and discuss what the limit should be (11:00 p.m. curfew) and what the punishment should be for breaking it (no car for a week). By allowing your teen a voice in the process, you are showing them the respect they desire and it will help to improve their resistance to the punishment.
     
     
   • For unanticipated issues, such as an astronomical phone bill, take a similar path. Discuss how you feel about the situation and then ask your teen for a suggestion on what the punishment should be. Negotiate the appropriate consequence, but remember that you have the final say.
   
   
   
4. Set the Example. Yes, you have heard this before, but it is timeless and true. Just as your toddler repeated a choice word or two that she picked up from someone who stubbed their toe, your teen will repeat things that you do and say. If you are respectful to others, your teen sees that and will hopefully follow your lead. If your teen son witnesses domestic violence, it might influence him to the point that he repeats the same abusive behaviors he has seen. It is difficult to lead our teens to a healthy way of life if we ourselves are unhealthy and unhappy.
   
   
5. Listen. You might have heard of the idea of “floor time” for toddlers. Floor time is a way of interacting with your child where that child has your undivided attention and you follow his or her lead. If he picks up a plastic bowl and bangs on it with a wooden spoon, and you encourage this creativity and then join in with your metal pot “bongo” – that’s floor time. The concept is the same for interacting with teenagers. Every day, take time to completely focus on what your teen is interested in and join in! If she loves the video game Rock Band, grab the mic and sing off key. If he loves comic books, let him explain a favorite story line. What you are doing is saying, “You and what you like are important to me.” Isn’t that what everyone wants to hear?

There is no magic formula for parenting, but following these five tips might lead to a more open, more respectful, and more nurturing relationship with your teen.