Teen domestic violence is violence or threats of violence towards a romantic partner or a household member who is a teenager. It can be physical violence, sexual assault or the threat of either one. Teens can experience domestic violence from a family member or someone they are dating. It happens in high income families, low-income families, gay relationships, or straight relationships. Men and women can be abused, and both men and women can be the abuser. Domestic violence can happen to anyone.
In a relationship that is abusive, there tends to be a cycle of violence. Because the cycle is predictable, it is important for your teen to be aware of what to look for and to be able to recognize the cycle. If your teen recognizes this pattern in his relationship, it is a sign that the relationship is an abusive one.
About the Cycle of Abuse
The cycle of abuse might looks slightly different if we are talking about abuse between a family member and a teen, or a romantic interest and a teen. In a family setting, the cycle of abuse will be similar, but may have been going on for so long, that there is no “beginning.” And the cycle might occur quickly (minutes or hours) so it is hard to recognize stages.
In a romantic or dating situation, there tends to be a time when the relationship is just beginning. At this start of the relationship, one of two things might happen. The relationship might start out positive, where the romantic partner might seem like he is perfect. There are compliments, gifts, affection -– he may seem like a wonderful person to be with. Sometimes relationships start out in what is considered a “tension-building phase.” This phase is where the cycle of abuse begins.
The Cycle
Note: This cycle can happen with the female as abuser and male as abused, or between two women or two men. The pronouns used are strictly for ease of reading, not because the cycle can not occur between other genders.
Tension-building phase:
- The abuser will start to get angry and pick fights. It might seem like the fights are over small issues. This might make the teen feel as if she has to be careful of what she says or does, and that she has to please the abuser to avoid a fight.
- The abuser may begin to use drugs or alcohol during this time or resume using the drug of choice.
- The abuser will become jealous of other relationships the teen has and start to pressure her to not spend time with other people. At first, this might feel like the abuser is being “protective” instead of controlling.
- The abuser may begin to criticize, insult or even physically abuse the teen. The abuser may try to make the teen feel as if she is crazy, and may lie about his behavior or past events.
Crisis/Explosion:
- Abuse happens. It might be physical violence, where the teen is hit, smacked, kicked, pushed or otherwise physically attacked. It can be sexual abuse, where the teen is touched sexually or forced to do a sex act with the abuser. It can also be verbal or emotional abuse where the teen is threatened, yelled at, intimidated, or verbally assaulted in any way that feels abusive. Objects may be broken, or animals abused in order to intimidate the teen.
- The teen feels frightened, confused, or “in shock.” She may try to protect herself or may try to get away from the abuser. She may try to break off the relationship and avoid the abuser.
Honeymoon Phase:
- The abuser apologizes for his actions, and might promise they won't happen again. He may also apologize but blame the teen for his actions. He may also blame the abuse on stress, drugs, alcohol or other factors. The teen may feel responsible for the explosion and blame herself. She might also see his apology as a willingness to change.
- The abuser might buy gifts for the teen, or take her out and spend money on her.
- He will be affectionate and loving. The teen will focus on these good times as a reason to stay when the crisis or explosion happens.
- He might even go to counseling to try to “work it out” with the teen. She may see this as her ability to “change” the abuser for the better.
- She may feel hurt, threatened and manipulated by the events and break off the relationship. She may feel like this honeymoon is a sign that he can change. Unless she recognizes that the relationship is abusive and know she deserves better, she can become stuck in this cycle of violence and abuse.
This cycle may not look exactly the same for each situation, and may not look the same every time. For one relationship, this cycle can occur over months and even years, perhaps making it difficult to recognize. In general, the longer a relationship lasts, the more often this cycle occurs, and the shorter the cycle becomes. This cycle can happen in just minutes, particularly if the abuse has been going on for some time.
What Parents Need to Know About the Cycle of Teen Violence
If you as a parent recognize this cycle in your teen's romantic relationship, it is important for you to intervene as soon as possible. Discuss the issue with your teen and express your concerns. Your teen may feel defensive and refuse to see what is happening. Seek out the advice of a counselor or your local domestic violence organization. The National Domestic Violence Hotline will be able to refer you to your local organization. If the violence is occurring at home or with another family member, you can contact the same hotline or domestic violence organization for help. Domestic violence that occurs in the home between parent and child or siblings or other family members is just as serious as teen dating violence and needs to be addressed.
Sources:
About Domestic Violence: Cycle of Violence. Eastside Domestic Violence Program. March 15, 2009. http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/cycle.htm
Cycle of Violence. Domesticviolence.org. March 15, 2009. http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence
National Domestic Violence Hotline homepage. March 15, 2009. http://www.ndvh.org/
The Cycle of Violence. Break the Cycle. March 15, 2009. http://www.thesafespace.org/pdf/handout-cycle-of-violence.pdf
